Thursday, May 17, 2007

How much can HOPE buy someone?

When I moved to Montreal, I had just finished high school and the only person I knew was DL, who I had met that summer in French Immersion while in Montreal, and who, by the way, is still a dear friend of mine though he moved to Toronto. I had two bags and my sewing machine. I had no money and no place to live. A kind friend who I also just met at French Immersion loaned me rent.

I went through first year university as a typical super poor student since I had a $1500 dentist debt for which I had to make monthly payments. It didn't help that I had school and books and my apartment and food to pay as well. I remember the week I had $8 for food, no credit and no money coming in. I scrimped on what I ate and made it through the week with some bucks left over.

I still know how to make a delicious meal with very little.

Many times in my life, I have had to start from scratch, like ... after leaving my alcoholic first husband, when I had no job and no money ... I painted the apartment then spent Christmas and the day after that, yes, Boxing Day, my birthday, alone. I was happy to at least have a couch since I didn't have a bed. And a kind friend bought me groceries as a Christmas present. That friend, MS, is still a good friend.

Fast forward through lots of times when I didn't have enough work therefore, no money ... I had chosen a hard path. I wanted to be an ACTOR. I've known I wanted to be this since I was a kid and went against all cultural conditioning to become "that doctor" ... though I've played both a doctor and a nurse in different films.

Fast forward again and I found myself a single mom with no work, no money, two toddlers, having to find a new home and restart a flailing career. The break-up is an ugly sad story that you'll have to read about yourself in my book one day ...

Zip, zip, zip ... time flies by quickly, I realise how fast but have no easy way of slowing it down ... zoooom!

First marathon. Rebuild career. Sons get taller - they are so handsome! Raise money for charities. Mother ill. Bad car accident. Ironman. Mother gets new liver. 11th marathon. Injuries from accident healing. Mother ill.

"What's the point?" you ask ...

How much can HOPE buy someone?

I think THAT is one of my most precious gifts ... the ability to hope and the ability to believe that I can make things happen. I realised a long time ago that things weren't going to happen by themselves. And I learned to NOT be afraid or think that I shouldn't or couldn't.

I know it is "I will", not whether "I can or can't".

One may ask, "Why me, why now, why this?" but no answer could ever change anything that is actually happening. Things just "are" and how one decides to accept or change something is where one's HOPE lies ... it's what you decide to do with the situation.

HOPE is the ability to evoke change, whether it is within oneself or within a situation. And maybe the change we evoke, whether within or outside ourselves, will shine a beacon bright enough to illuminate someone else's darkness.

I was speaking with my good friend GB the other day about how life is a puzzle ... will we ever be able to find all the pieces, do these pieces belong together or will I have to cram them all together? What do all these pieces mean? What picture am I creating?

The edges of the puzzle are your soul. And you decide the picture ... yes, YOU decide the picture.

Swim training yesterday:

- I slipped into the pool and swam for 21 min., just one tuck turn to say I did it, and the rest touch turns ... nice and easy, then I finished off with some back crawl

1000 m front crawl + 50 m back crawl = 1050 m = some respite from my sadness

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