Swimming in a pool of tears

Tonight, my cousin called me. He had taken my mother to the hospital. She had blacked out and hit her face. The hospital thinks it's a blood clot due to the spreading cancer and she's being given tests. She's been suffering from headaches for months now.

I am afraid to know what this may mean.

For two years now, since my mother's diagnosis of cancer, I have been putting aside having to deal with "losing her" ... "it's not going to happen 'til later" ... "it's not going to happen 'til later" ...

Tonight, I felt for the first time that "later" has caught up with me. And I am so filled with grief, I don't ever think the tears will stop.

No one is ever ready to lose someone they love. And especially not me now, what with Christmas and my birthday and New Year's just around the corner ... Me and the kids and the rest of the family still have some celebrating to do with my mom ...

I was supposed to swim tonight and wondered if the pool water would wash away my tears and distract me as I focused on technique. I nixed the idea and figured I didn't want to drown. Second choice was getting on my stationary bike, the infamous Mr. SB for those who have been reading my blog from the beginning ... but Mr. SB's dumb-founded look at my teary eyes told me instantly that he didn't know how to react to such great sadness.

I figured it best to turn to friends ... Thank you all for your hugs and support and love. Please say a prayer for my mother to help her get through this "hump". We've got a big New Year's party planned and we need her to be there ...