The Need to Normalize

Life is still incredibly surreal for me, and the accident felt like it happened only yesterday, though it was already a few days ago. You may see me smile in yesterday's photo of me by my horribly damaged car but the stark reality of my emotions is quite the opposite and I see and feel Thursday's incident over and over again in my mind and in my body. I can still smell that unpleasant burning odour of my car and have no desire to drive anywhere these days. I need to stay close to home ...

When will it stop? I did some reading on the Net about post-trauma feelings, and this is all quite normal and expected as a reaction to a life-threatening situation. Now the need to normalize is imminent and pressing as I feel like life is still dangling by a thread ... have to climb back up it and find the safety of my web. Comfort foods, comfort friends, comfort habits ... trying to normalize and collect my strength to deal with the repercussions of the accident.

I know I should be ecstatic that I survived the crash at all, and I am happy that I am alive, but honestly, I would have rather that it never happened at all.

My mom thinks I have a bad cold and that's why I haven't gone out to see her (I had told her vaguely that I wasn't feeling well) ... She's actually quite worried about me and is trying to take care of me long-distance. I know I need to tell her the truth but I don't want to scare her - she has enough on her plate right now, including trying to heal from the chemo and even trying to eat.

I have very happy memories about my mother and cuddling up to her tummy while she studied English or read in bed. At times when I've felt sad or upset, I have remembered this feeling and it always soothed me a bit as I imagined my mother comforting me. How I wish now that I could be holding my mother and stroking her head in my lap, willing her cancer to go away. I should have been in Toronto this weekend taking care of her and the disappointment in my not being able to do so is overwhelming.

So yes, I am trying to normalize and make things alright again or at least decent, put things back into the right perspective ... I went swimming today, not too long, just 45 min. Didn't feel like my usual cardio was there, but it felt nice to have my head float and less tension on my neck. Unfortunately, now that I am out of the water, I am back to that dull pain in my neck and shoulders and my head weighs a ton again ... sigh.

There was a woman in the pool that "freaked out" about my having kicked her while passing her with my breast stroke. I hadn't even noticed so I probably barely touched her. She told me that I shouldn't be passing her. (Geez, people can starfish float faster than she was going with her flutter board but I refrained from rolling my eyes or making any commentary on her lack of speed - may we simply pass please?) Even with my apology and subsequent explanation that things like that happen unfortunately when we all share the lane and need to pass, she got all defensive and offended. She obviously didn't like the idea of sharing. Poor selfish pool woman ... sad, sad ... what I really wanted to tell her was, "Lady, there are more important things in life, don't waste your time ..."