When is a choice not really a choice?

What do you do if you are very sick and are given only two choices?

1) Take meds that will make you feel gravely ill knowing they may help a tiny bit or maybe not at all to extend your life and might even ironically shorten it ... then you die.

2) Take no meds, be "well" for X number of short days, or not as gravely ill .. then you die.

This is a very sad period in my life and I cannot even fathom what is going on in my mother's mind. I wish I could hold her in my arms and stroke her hair and make it all go away ... or even transfer it all to me.

When bad things happen to good people ... where is the sense in this world? My son, his eyes full of tears, asked me, "Why her?" There is no answer. Things just are.

All my childhood and adolescent memories are flooding back into my mind ... I'm not ready yet to let you go, mommy ... I am that lost little girl in the department store again frantically searching for you, afraid and crying, longing to feel safe and secure again ...